Fool's Paradise

echo-cho-ho-o

2008-12-15T22:22:00.003-06:00

I've got an itch. I hope you're willing to play the game and scratch it for me.

Clearly not keeping up with posts here, thinking of moving it over to a some new space. Something a little more under my control. I own the domain www.tonloc.com but there is nothing of merit there at the moment.

Santa Rampage: yes, please.
Burners: I like them, they like me.
Love life: needs work, but is going places.

I am growing and changing by leaps and bounds. I still don't know what I am becoming, but I haven't been concerning myself with that lately. I like that.

I like that a lot.

catch you on the flipside...

Staccato Whispers of Summertime's Remorse

2008-06-19T00:15:00.005-05:00

I suppose what bothers me the most about this is that it is so reminiscent of the way I've dropped people before. You don't initiate contact, and when any is made you foist off anything that comes your way, you beg off any plans that might be made; basically you just pass the buck until the other party stops making the effort.

That one is the soft drop.

The hard drop is you simply don't pick up the phone, or answer any email, or respond to a text. In the hard drop the person is simply, with all due speed, dead to you.

I wish I knew what mental process caused this to initiate, but I don't think I'll end up getting even that small satisfaction.

sometimes I grow so tired

2008-06-06T00:59:00.005-05:00

I went to a new place on Memorial Day weekend, and I had a good time. More deserves to be said, but it'd take really long to get it all out, and I just haven't got the time right now.

Madness I tell you...

2008-05-06T21:38:00.003-05:00

Hot on the heels of that previous post, I am back again, not fully sure what I'd like to write but I just got out of my last class of the semester so here we go.

Alpha list of things to do this Summer, AKA the Renaissance of Gabe (no particular order)
love
lose
win
go back for more
ride my bike again
do something stupid
make a fool of myself (see above)
listen to more music
go to another concert

ride a horse
ride a motorcycle
ride a cowgirl
learn how to drive stick

Current (beta) list of things to take to Flip Dip (tell me if anything is missing or extraneous):
earplugs - staying in a sound camp apparently
liquor - duh
hat - protect my lily white Irish skin
sunblock - same as above
sunglasses - and again, but this time my pale Irish eyes :-)

shorts - check
sandals - semi check

condoms - recently lost its questionable status, though I still can't figure out why
swim trunks - while in a typical scenario a good thing to have, it is of questionable use here
umbrella? - don't know if I care enough if I get wet
gazebo - where the hell do i get one of these that won't break me?
chairs - could also just use coolers in a pinch... has worked before
massive fucking cooler - clearly for the liquor and whatnot

I may be a noob, but and attempt at costume might be good.. no idea what that might be as of yet.

That's all I got atm.

Can you dig it?

2008-05-06T04:26:00.002-05:00

Though the concept still fails to correlate with my historical self-conceit, or my corresponding walking, waking, conceptual incarnations, I am now told it is no coincidence, this newfound confluence of compliments. Concealing doubts on said concept, I willingly concede to its... myriad implications.

-
Was particularly proud at my apt turn of phrase, and felt it need to be properly noted. Also, I've been wondering recently if anyone actually reads these anymore, or if they've come back full circle to just being my own thoughts blasted into the ethers again.

New Music

2008-03-23T15:24:00.004-05:00

Mac commercials gave an uncanny knack for finding interesting artists I've never heard before. The new Macbook Air commercial had the song New Soul by Yael Naim which was quite good, however Puppet is even better. It's haunting and beautiful and I can't stop listening to it.

Possibly also worth noting is her cover of Toxic.

Enjoy.

One is all you need

2008-03-18T05:57:00.004-05:00

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled nights sleep to bring you the following, though I suppose it needs some setup:

For the second time I dreamt of helping you break into your ex's apartment so you could talk to him face to face, and for the second time I wondered why you didn't smile like that for me.

Small World Echoes

2008-03-08T02:37:00.002-06:00

I was invited to First Friday by a girl who works in the CS lab. Upon my arrival to Blue Star I was surprised to see someone whom I used to attend GT with in Elementary School; he recognized me first, and had rather nice things to say about how good I looked.

No real point to this anecdote, just wanted to toot my own horn.

(you know you want some of this) *pelvic thrust*

btw I'm drunk.

Open Letter

2008-02-21T20:27:00.003-06:00

Hello world. I know it's been a while since I last wrote... I hope you'll find it within yourself to forgive that particular oversight. I have a matter of personal importance we need to talk about, and well, I just don't know how to bring it up, so I'll just have to be rather frank with it.

How fucking difficult might it be to put somewhere in my vicinity a reasonably intelligent, mature female, who might show the slightest glimmer of attraction for me? I mean seriously now, come the fuck on, 25 years in and nothing to show for it? No relationships, no warm smiles, no chaste kisses that linger long enough to get my hopes up, no extra warm hugs from anyone with a bit of a tingle for me?

Instead of any of those, you've elected to instead give me nothing?

Nothing ever?

Fine, fuck you too.

fragment

2008-02-18T01:29:00.001-06:00

Walking through a clear nights' air,
while passing near a stream
a noise I heard, but not a noise:
a lovely melody.

The sight I saw: the source of song
a singing man, with features long
on bumpy log, near mossy brook
he sang and sang, but did not look.

Unseen I stood, transfixed with song
and so long did I stand
that twice did darkness sally forth,
it twice enshrined the land.

About That Time

2008-02-09T22:57:00.000-06:00

Life sucks, people suck, the world is fucked, politics is bullshit, no-one will ever know you no matter how close you become, no one will ever love you no matter how much you want it, no one will ever care.

Fuck it all.

just like now

2008-01-14T20:34:00.000-06:00

Occasionally I will have a thought I feel warrants being shared here, and I decide to do so. Often what happens is I will second guess myself, not from of some fear of judgment or reprisal but a doubt that I had a solid enough grasp on my own idea, or that I would not be up to the task of describing its subtle nuance. And then when the the moment of doubt passes, more often than not I find the idea has returned to whatever strange place it originated and all I am left with is the feeling I've missed out on something.

Reports of my Death

2008-01-03T20:45:00.000-06:00

... have been greatly exaggerated.

In short, I've moved.

More to follow.

'Tis the Season

2007-11-20T22:56:00.000-06:00

I have been neglecting this little space for a long while, and I guess that bothers me. My original intent of this little posting place, if did indeed have one, was to make little reminders for myself, little things for me to read years from now, to remember this part of my life.

I feel as though I've been drowning the last few months, and I am just now starting to come to the surface for some air. No doubt that has something to do with the fact that the semester is finally winding down. It's amazing sometimes how long a few months can last. The job is going well, which is good; I'm finally starting to get into the rhythm of working, which is both good and bad. Good in that I feel like I have been accepted by my co-workers and my place there is not just a transitory "oh I'm sorry we made a mistake" kind of thing, but bad in that I worry at some point I will start slacking out of a feeling that my position is safe. I seem to think that is not too much of a concern for me, though I guess only time will show.

I have woken up with lyrics running through my head the last few days, and the common theme among them has been the word Love, which has given me some material to think on lately. Now, this line of thought as expressed in text could easily descend into some sappy bubblegum nonsense, or into a pity party, and that is not really what this is about, so pardon me a moment while I gather my thoughts.

I want to know someone that makes my life trully worthwhile. I wake up, work, eat, go to school, and sleep, and I'm not empty, but I'm also not really anything more than just here. By which I mean that I feel no real meaning in my existence, just the potential for meaning the whole production appears to have. I want someone to fight for, someone to make cooking more than an act of mere existence, someone to miss and someone with whom I can look forward to spending more time. The absence of such a thing weighs on me.

It's been a long time and so much more needs saying, but I don't know where to start, so this will do for now.

Right Foot First.

2007-09-29T01:56:00.000-05:00

For so many months I have been existing with a cold lump in my stomach, stressed over just how I was going to survive on my own. This year on Sept. 11 I had my second interview at DDI. Just this last Wednesday I got an email from their division head about meeting today, and when I went in he offered me an internship position in the Vulnerability Research Team.

I had wanted this so much, and when I was in the room my hand had a constant tremor; the surface of the water I was holding was trembling every time I looked into it. When he left the room to gather some paperwork I just stood dumbly looking around the room, not quite ready to believe it.

Aww god it feels so good to have something big fall into place.

I am feeling pretty happy right now, and from that point I send love to all my friends; I hope you are well.

Turn, turn, turn.

2007-09-24T16:53:00.000-05:00

What... what is this?

Breathe. Just breathe. In, out.

In, out.

Now focus.

. . .

Focus damn you.

Okay.

Let's try this again.

Back again, feels like I never left

2007-08-09T00:28:00.000-05:00

So I went to DefCon 15 this last weekend. It was really interesting, and though the friend I've been to the last two with wasn't there, I found several people I've met and hung with them. I had been worried I would be alone and not have a good trip since I felt awkward, but thankfully that was not the case.

Some of the people from the CIAS department from UTSA spoke to me, and about me, and I might have a job with them. I emailed my resume but haven't heard anything back yet, so I guess we'll see how that goes.

Though I was gone for 4 days, and it felt a little weird when I finally got back, now I feel almost as though my time in Vegas could have been a dream, or half remembered fantasy. I sometimes wonder if I am unique in how quickly things seem to fade from mind, or if it is a common trait among people.

For the first time in my life, there are fireflies where I live. I like that very much.

To all my friends whom I have not seen in several weeks or more, and to all my other friends I feel disconnected from at the moment, I miss you and I hope you are doing well.

On Silence

2007-07-31T06:08:00.000-05:00

It's not that I mean to post infrequently, I just don't have anything important to say at the moment.

Post a question, if you'd like, and I will give an honest answer.

Do the Mashup, Grandma

2007-07-10T00:25:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4uyN5rQbbU some strumpet named Sue Teller kicks it old school.

Quote of the Month

2007-07-09T03:19:00.000-05:00

"I feel like I should take a bath and go to church now." - Jenn

Been gone so long, I barely remember

2007-06-22T06:28:00.000-05:00

So when I first started going to school on the college fund my grandparents created, I was informed that so long as I was enrolled in school I would receive a stipend. This Summer, after the two least productive semesters I've ever had, I made the decision that if I didn't take a break from school I was going to lose it. In the time since I started attending UTSA, I forgot the arrangement about the stipend, and so when my uncle who manages the college fund happened to be in town and asked me what I was doing over the Summer, I replied "Nothing at the moment." The problem here is that he cut off the flow of money, and though I don't mind that so much, I feel it would have been nice for him to, you know, mention that he was going to do that, instead of leaving me to figure it out at 5am a week into a the month.

So I had known already that I needed something to keep me busy, something to focus my energies on. I applied for an internship at Digital Defense that I was really excited about, and got an interview last Wednesday. They said fill out some paperwork and return it so if they decided to hire me, things would progress smoothly. I turned that in last Friday, and this Wednesday submitted my Fall schedule as they had asked, so they would know if I was available to keep working, you know, in case they decided to hire me. I made sure to CC their HR dept. on my email since I had gotten no responses from the few questions I had sent to the guy who said "Go ahead and email me with any questions you have." Lucky too, since apparently all my emails were getting marked as spam on his end. Yesterday I get word back that though I was a "top contender" they didn't go for me, but that there might be an opening in the Fall if I was still interested then.

Last Thursday my car died on the side of 410 coming back from the airport. There has to be some humor in the fact that right before leaving for the airport I had filled it with gas, but I can't find it in me to laugh about it. Not only was it 40 down the drain for the gas that's in it, but it was another 59 to get it towed back to my place from the mechanic who said it'd need a new motor. It's only here because I have no clue what to do with the thing. Though I have not gone anywhere since the start of Summer, now that I have no car I feel so much more disconnected from the world. It's all so very far away now and I have no idea what to do.

My mom told me on the same day my car died, that she hadn't seen my cat, Kitt Kat, that day; that he hadn't been in for food. As little social interaction as I have at this point in my life, when I was little I didn't have any friends: only the characters in the books I read, and my cat whom we'd brought in off the streets near my Grandmothers place when he was barely more than a kitten. On the days I was too depressed or lonely to deal with life, he would keep me company; quietly adoring me without passing judgment. I fucking loved that cat, and now I think he's fucking dead and it fucking kills me. I think the only reason I started typing any of this is I read this: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/333295779.html and it made me think about the situation. As I typed this I remembered old times and cried over my friends' passing. It should hurt more, but since leaving home I've become so used to not seeing him it's just a shadow of what I owe him, and that hurts too.

I know over the years I've had my camera that I must have taken more pictures of him, but I only found four when I just looked in my archives. Take a look and try to see him the way I do.

Nothing left to say.

thoughts

2007-05-16T04:57:00.000-05:00

Imagine you can't breathe, and your vision is starting to go grey around the edges; the burning desperation you feel to inhale and sustain yourself becomes the only thought worth having anymore, and then you finally pull a ragged breath and it is the sweetest thing in your whole life. Or imagine you have an overwhelming thirst, one you feel to your core, and you finally get a cool glass of water. You are so ready for it, you drink it down without pausing to breathe, because at that moment the satisfaction the water will bring means more than air.

When you are missing something important there is always some part of yourself casting around looking for what it needs to make itself whole. With basic needs it is very obvious what is missing and how to correct it, but as I stand right now, I know I am missing something and yet I have no idea how to fix that feeling of loss.

I wonder if sometimes I feel inappropriately about others. With some I feel I need to know them like a person needs to breath, desperately, and for the rest my of life. It's not sexual, or romantic even, just that... some people sustain me, and I am desirous of that living energy from them. I can't help but think on some level the same must be true for everyone, and possibly that is the reason why people become friends in the first place: they need something in the other to make them better, or more whole.

-

I liked this article a lot: On the Job. The best line was "A believer in temporary solutions, I lied that tomorrow was supposed to be lovely." It just felt right.

This post feels incomplete, but I am okay with that, because so do I.
I'm out.

Wheels on the bus go round and round...

2007-05-11T15:02:00.000-05:00

I ran across something interesting. It's vaguely educational, but mostly just absurdist. As someone pointed out, it has some similarity to Plato's allegory of The Cave: Many worlds, many treats

Another random thing:
"I have a philosophy, I post first... Do I feel ashamed of myself? Definitely. Am I doing the Devils work? Yes."

Not a lot going on. I don't want to just sit around my apartment constantly doing nothing, but that is how things are going down right now :-/

I'm around. Call me.

Holy wow

2007-04-11T20:38:00.000-05:00

The following may in fact be the most exceptional feat of human achievement I have ever seen, at least in the realm of physical accomplishment: Obstacle Course

Over and out.

Toys

2007-04-06T03:57:00.000-05:00

Today I was shown an awesome new toy. Everywhere it goes people want it! I mean damn, there are some people who would pay every cent they ever made just to get close to it. Did I get to play with it? Hello no; nice guys don't get shiny new toys... but I sure as shit got to make it feel comfortable, make it feel at home. Hell I even heard someone playing with this awesome toy in the next room over for an hour or so. It sure must have been fun! Maybe I should console myself in the fact that these hot new models don't really last for long term play; you use them up too quickly and then they're no good. It sounds nice... but I still wanted to play with it.

The only toys I have ever had have all been a little broken, a little worn around the edges. There have been a few close calls, a few times I almost made it to the sale before they sold out on a cooler model, but alas it wasn't to be had. I don't even know what I would do if I ever found a myself a toy, one still new in the box, or practically new anyway. A nice toy that could keep up with however hard I wanted to play with it, hell maybe even something I could be happy playing with for the rest of my days...

-

"There's gotta be some kinda way outta here,
says the joker to the thief
too much confusion here
I can't get no relief..."

Down the Rabbit Hole

2007-03-26T04:20:00.000-05:00

Man I suck with this whole blogging thing. What am I even doing with this page if not documenting life events?

I keep letting all this stuff that happens in my life, stuff I want to note for posterity, just slip away with no tangible record merely because I haven't been able click a link and write a summary. Things have been moving so quickly lately my head is practically spinning.

Ben and Melissa finally had their wedding ceremony, and I did my Best Man duties.
I experienced my first real female drama with a particular girl (a real turning point by my measure).
I made some connections with other nicer females.
I participated in the Southwest CCDC again and my team came in 2nd place behind A&M.

I've been hanging out with a couple people I feel are very worthwhile as individuals whom I'll not mention by name. I feel rather comfortable and at home with them, as though on some levels the parts I lack they make up for, and vice versa. Too many good things cannot be said.

Things are doing pretty good right now. I'm pleased.

and in other news...

2007-03-02T01:58:00.000-06:00

I always end up writing a damn book when I make a post, but then never posting for a long while, so I am going to try to mix it up some more.

from a conversation I had tonight:

Me: I can't say why, but I love listening to Maynard
Me: I think the random chesthair he has that is always trying to escape his shirts must throw off a hypnotic musk

The Night Time is the Right Time for...

2007-02-03T05:49:00.000-06:00

It was my birthday today. Past birthday's have pretty much universally been what I like to call "crappy". Don't let the technical jargon confuse you, it's not always a pity party starring me and a pint of Ben and Jerry's or anything, usually I would have dinner with my mom (I enjoy this) and maybe hang out with my friends. Today can't be said to be any different, however I felt better about it than I have in past years.

Perhaps I am just not in a depressive cycle like I usually am around this time of year (huzzah) but I felt well adjusted and I guess 'content' with how things were. Things are not the best they could be, but they aren't the worst either, and I think I have come to realize (even if only for a brief shining moment) that if I give myself some time, the things I want will probably come to me when I need them to be there.

My favorite quote of the night from myself "family politics is a lot crappier when it is real politics...", and the random line I won't be explaining should anyone ask is "sometimes you're the star, and sometimes you're just the sidekick".

That's all for now, though I might try to find some things to post about, and sooner rather than later.

Over and out.

And then this daffy bitch said...

2006-12-28T04:38:00.000-06:00

I have been hanging out with my old friend Zack for the last three days, and assisted with preparation for the party they had been planning for tonight. I helped made poppy seed Kolache filling yesterday, and I showed up early today to help with some miscellaneous stuff. I had a lot of fun and it was good to see people I used to go to school with, see how they've grown and changed, and generally just hang out.

Over the course of the night a lot of riffing and bullshitting occurred, which in general all amounts to nothing being said, but one thing was said that stuck with me. Some self involved chick with goals of service to the First Lady or some other high level public figure as a desirable job had this to say in a conversation I was a non-speaking participant of: "I'm a Republican so I don't think science is important; global warming and that stuff doesn't matter to me. Seals dying and whatever isn't important. Go ahead and drill or whatever..."

I wanted to stop the train and tell everyone to get the fuck off at metaphorical gunpoint. I wanted to try to explain how higher temperatures would impact the required energy wasted to maintain our comfortable air conditioned office buildings, which would make us use even more energy, and thereby further our dependence on foreign oil and other energy sources. I wanted to explain that the animals and plants we depend on for food would not be the same or as readily available, because the sources for food our sources of food rely on to survive wouldn't adapt quickly enough to rising temperatures and would die out first. I felt these two things would begin to show just how much global warming might possibly invade the perfect little world she envisioned for herself. But, really, what I wanted most, was to ask how the fuck this dumb bitch thought aligning herself with any specific political platform could possibly justify a lack of interest in significant world altering events and the generalized pursuit of knowledge.

Sadly I did none of this. When confronted with obvious stupidity and ignorance, and considering all the information I would have to convey to this person, and how challenging it would be to organize a reasonable and convincing argument on the spot as to why it was actually important, I realized that it wasn't going to be feasible to actually impart anything on her that might assist in helping to change her opinion, and that basically I would only be arguing the point in some sense of masturbatory oneupmanship. I realize that is probably a cop out, and that I should have given it a go anyway, but it just seemed so suddenly futile that I couldn't even open my mouth to object. Ultimately, I don't know if I should be more bothered by the sentiment itself or the fact it comes from someone who seemed otherwise relatively intelligent and capable.

-

So yeah I haven't updated in a while, and I suppose it is only fitting I acknowledge that Christmas happened. Let me start by stating that in general I don't care about Christmas. Christian people desperately cling on to the idea that they still own the holiday, but my decision is that it is just Generic Gift Exchanging Day and while it was once associated with the birth of a specific religious figurehead (purely in an attempt to steal the thunder from a preexisting pagan holiday) it now it just another excuse used by corporations to push a willing populous to spend enormous amounts of money on shit they don't need. What I take away from the time differs from year to year, and while sometimes it is a big fucking goose egg, this year I actually spent some time with family and felt it was semi enjoyable.

The thing about spending any amount of time with my family is that, well... we aren't really familiar. The only time I've seen my uncle, aunt and two cousins are during the holidays for the entirety of the past 20 years I have resided in Texas, which ultimately equates in fewer than 40 face to face meetings with any of them. This being the case, I still feel it fairly safe to say I just don't know my uncle, and that what I have seen of my aunt just makes me not consider her even someone worth wasting time thinking about. This year was fairly non eventful other than my aunt's sister's son got married, and so we had the dude's parents and family over which made seating accommodations somewhat less comfortable than usual. One thing I find somewhat interesting is that for the last several years, I have been sat within speaking distance of my uncle, and I suspect that has not been an accident. I feel as though he has taken at least a minor interest in me, and is taking my measure as the only other male to bear his last name.

-

I came across this article linked on Digg about a guy experimenting one month on eating for $1 a day. I read it and I think it is rather remarkable so I decided to stick it here instead of trying to spam everyone on my buddylist with something they would probably not give a damn about. I find it rather interesting to see people do stuff like this that is so totally outside the normal range of things people worry about during their day-to-day lives. http://hungryforamonth.blogspot.com/2006_11_01_hungryforamonth_archive.html

I want to get some sushi this week, and I may be in a generous enough mood to pay if someone were to call me and ask to go.

Quest

2006-12-06T03:32:00.000-06:00

I was running around as myself for a while last night, and stumbled upon God addressing a secret group on Earth that mortals did not know of, except as legends and myths, so I decided to sneak a listen. A few of those listening saw me and did not react, which surprised me because I thought for sure a normal person shouldn't be there. As they continued to listen God announced a quest for a certain object was needed, and once He was done, I was imbued with the knowledge that while I was Gabriel here on Earth, I was Gabriel as in Heaven as well. I was, in fact, to lead the quest for the object. There was a cut scene that had me staring around the few remaining members of the quest around the hilt of a sword which we were all gripping, in a huddle of sorts before our encounter with the enemy. We were each in a red cape with golden edges and full body armor under that (that part stands out in my memory). We ventured into a cave... Things get blurry from there, but I know everyone else slowly was getting killed off.

Facing that Void
by General Elektriks
Problems of addiction, for some can be different, different people
But for Joline, lemme break it down like this

See it started when she was an only kid
4 5 6 when she noticed it
That look of surprise up in her momma's iris
When she smiled wide-eyed as that fire hit

And the way that it fed all the tiredness
Right after it starved all the wiredness
And the crazy shit that jumped off and issues that jumped up
When Joline lighted it

And the way she always was hiding it
To herself and others, denying it
Even after the doctors had told her to stop
Cuz it was robbing her soul and she'd die of it

But she cursed them all in their holiness
Called 'em frauds, practicing phoniness
So she'd lay in her bed, smoke filling her head
Curled up with her little ball of loneliness

Even tried to pick something new to get
Something that's a little less self-destructivish
When she felt the seed of that need her mind got greedy
She gave in and nourished it

Told herself that she loved all the flourishes
And the people around her encouraged it
So what the heck another one to the neck
And got more depressed losing control of it

Face... face... facing that void.
Face... face... facing that void...

Joline's usage got rampant and out of control
The fix hit was worth all the money and gold
The anesthetic for her problems and a singular dose
And without it she was doubting she would ever be whole

The amount she used to take would just make her feel cold
Wasn't enough now, what she needed was MORE
It had been a long time since she'd gotten some clothes
And the drain on her pocketbook was starting to show

And her eyes in her sockets they were starting to bulge
All the muscle tone gone, just skin and bones
And she'd talk about the same old rigamarole
At any given time break out shaking and jonesin'

Strange stories about her begin to be told
About what she would do if she wanted the dough
Even her friends said she's at an all-time low
Lost her job, her dog, then lost her home

Last time that I seen her she was all alone
So high that I thought she could probably have flown
She recited some weird strange haunting poem
then laughed at a joke that was solely her own

I had to walk away and leave that girlie alone
Cause' I knew her type that same zombie clone
Hope she finds what she's looking for
And fills that void before her mind is gone

Facing that void...
Facing that void...

Antidisestablishmentarianism

2006-11-11T01:25:00.000-06:00

Ism, ism, who's got the ism?

I did my little presiding over a meeting on Tuesday thing, and it went surpisingly well seeing as we had nothing formally planned. Robert Kaufman came out and talked about his experiences doing military stuff, and I found out I need to be spearheading the approach to the CCDC a bit more forcefully. I am thinking spam all of CS, Engineering, and Business students with a synopsis about it here soon and let them know who were are and what we do, to point them at the mailing list and the website and say sign up for further info. As we were rapping the meeting up, I get a call about a possible position with Rackspace which I have been applying for consistently for over a month. The position is not great.. just a glorified data entry one actually, but it gets me closer to a real position there, which is at least a step in the right direction.

I had an interview on Wednesday, and got notified earlier today they would like to bring me on. I said yes, submitted my paperwork, and went in for training. Apparently I and two others were the only ones to want to come in right off, and the rest start on Monday. It seems as though it may be very dull, so the money from the first paycheck might be rolled instantly into a music player so I can tolerate the remainder of the time.

Whatever, it's still money for nothing. Now about those chicks for free...

Dreamscape

2006-11-03T18:07:00.000-06:00

There was a post on Digg a few weeks back that was talking about lucid dreaming. Inside the comments I ran across some people talking about taking Melatonin in combination with Vitamin B6 to prompt more dreams. It could be the sugar pill effect, but it seems to be working. I've been having more dreams lately, but sadly I am not remembering most of them beyond a few details. Part of the effects of Melatonin is that it helps regulate the Circadian rhythm, so an hour or so after taking it, I start feeling a bit drowsy, and either the drug itself lasts around 6 or 7 hours, or that is how long my body thinks I ought to be sleeping. I have been feeling more alert during the day for the most part, so the extra sleep and increased dreaming have been having positive effects.

In the past I have had experiences where I would see myself in a mirror and realize I was dreaming. Whenever I would attempt to exert my will on the environment to make new things happen that were outside the context of the dream, I would end up waking up, which was always disappointing. As interesting as it is to have the dreams where you realize it, I always loved the dreams where I flew so much more. For some reason I suspect they are not common with most people, but I have had them since I was little. Sometimes there would be no real reason for the flying but I would just leap into the sky and keep going. Once I flew away from the Earth and into open space, but realized I was so far from home and out of Earths gravity field that I got scared and woke up. Another time I was some knight errant set to rescue a damsel in distress from a dragon in a cavern that felt a lot like a movie theater, and I had a sword and flew up to the ceiling in order to slip around the dragon to get to the girl. Another time, in a somewhat related concept, I was in one of my middle school hallways and had a hover-board similar to the one from Back to the Future and was slipping along over the heads of all the other kids in the hallway. No one looked up that last time, and I always wondered why.

Last night in specific I dreamed about giant white bats that could walk on their hind legs, and scurried around a well lit white bathroom. They kept biting the space between my index finger and thumb on my right hand and hanging on. It didn't hurt but I kept worrying about transmissible diseases. The bats were about two feet tall when standing, and had sort of an elongated dog like face, and a white spiky mop of hair that stood up like a troll dolls hair. There was a feeling of intelligence in them, and I think we may have communicated at some point previous to what I recall, though it may have been without words.

Sweet dreams everyone.

Jet-setting

2006-08-21T03:28:00.000-05:00

I'm back now. Later than I expected though. What you see below was written August 14th, after I got back from DefCon. I felt it wasn't finished, but then lost interest in the post. Recent events have prompted me to feel the urge to write new things, but I am sometimes compelled to do things in the order I began them, so this has to go up before the new ones can be posted.
------
Yeah so I have been back from DefCon for two weeks now, about time I got a summary of events written down.

The days before had me and Dylan and his friend Albert hanging at my place, mostly just shooting the shit. Albert gets a call from some girl he knew who was looking for a place to hang, who says she has some friends with her. He asks if my place is cool and I go along with it for entertainments sake. They show up and are okayish types, and before leaving, they express interest in coming back later in week to hang out. Jordan, Clarissa, and Sarah are their names. They come back Thursday night for "movie night" but in reality we mostly ended up hanging out and doing not much. Between dealing with company I was busy packing for the 6:30 am flight, got that squared away and there is no time left to sleep before I have to go. Wish I could say the flight was either restful or entertaining, but I am getting older and the novelty of air travel has begun to wear off, so instead I tried resting but mostly failed. Had a changeover in Dallas after an hour in the air. Nothing terribly interesting on the way.

Friday morning, touchdown in Vegas. Even the airport is glitzy. I remember it from last year a little, or at least the baggage claim area with all the billboards displaying the different shows you could see. I only had two carry-ons so I am there looking for the shuttle that I got through online reservation thing that would take me to my hotel; this ended up being a bad idea as I touched down around 9ish but didn't get to the hotel lobby till around 10. Sign in and get my room, which is apparently not in the hotel, but instead across a street in a cluster of 4 story buildings that look like "barracks out of Star Wars" as Zack said. I drop shit off and set out to find the Riviera. The location isn't bad, it's right across the strip from the front of my hotel, however I am located in the rear so this means a lot of walking to get to the right side, and then the convention is in the rear of the Riviera so even more walking. That was only really annoying when wanting to stop by the room between talks or to pickup or drop something off. The heat seemed less intense this time than last, so that didn't factor in for the walking too much. I buy my DefCon entry tag and get one for Zack at the same time, and it was a good thing too as they were already out of the official lanyards, and later when we went back for them they said they had sold out of their 6,000 official tags and started handing out paper badges.

Friday was spent largely trying to get accustomed to the layout of the different rooms speakers were in. Wandering in and out trying to find somethign interesting to listen to. After Zack had arrived, also sleepless the night before, we were hungry enough to break off from the con and took advantage of the buffet at Circus Circus. I'd say it was nothing to write home about but here we are... went back to the convention, and Zack went to the room to try for a nap. Later ended up using some dinky little coupons for dinner in the same spot. Went walking around the hotel exploring and seeing what existed, and decided to take a bit of a walk on the strip to see what was what. Went back to the hovel and slept the night.

Saturday was a lot cooler activity wise. We woke up a bit late and ate at the Riviera buffet, it was more expensive, but for the surroundings and food selection more than warranted the couple extra bucks. When heading down to the con we ran into some of the guys from the CIAS here at UTSA, one of which Zack used to work for when he was an intern a couple years back. They invited us to some party in the sky-box area later in the night, and gave us the entry ticket which was a little plastic tab with a bar code on it. Wandered in and out of talks and kept going around. Art Conklin had offered to take me out to dinner when I spoke with him in SA at the last GNO, and I had run into him in Vegas, so we arranged a trek to this Italian place called Maggiano's with Dr. White, Art, Chip Meadows, Zack and myself. White had apparently gotten there first and put our names on the list, but when Art arrived and heard the wait time was an hour, he said "Yeah no, let me take care of this." We were seated in under 15 minutes. Apparently he eats there when he goes to Vegas and has managed the same server every time, so the dude got us seated in his section. We were in a corner area and up a couple stories and had this most excellent view of the strip. Food there was really good, and it was the type of place that tried to kill you with how much they give you. Damn cheap too. After dinner we all went our separate ways, and Zack and I went back to the con for a little before looking for the party.

Apparently the party was by some old-school group called the 303 whom I had never heard of, though I was told there were some members of the cDc but they were never specifically pointed out to me. The cDc thing is really cool, cause I first learned of them back in my total newbie days and reading of their adventures at DefCon is what originally made me want to attend. We hung out for an hour or two and socialized, I was asked to help with acquiring some liquor and beer and did so. Got back and Zack informed me we had been invited to a after party of sorts in a suite at Caesars Palace. That place was pretty damn swank. Two levels with a staircase coming down from the top to a hang out area, and a two level window with yet another pimp view of the strip. This was probably sometime around 1 or 2 am, but am now not very sure. Met some cool people and hung out til sometime after dawn drinking their free booze. I finally got drunkish about an hour after getting there, after having several drinks throughout the night trying to work toward that end. Everyone slowly started dropping and we finally decided to take off back to the room. This one dude Erik escorted us out, and managed to lock the door behind himself, forgetting his key card and phone, and instead of waking anyone in there up, asked if he could stay the night in our room.

We drunkenly took a cab to the Circus Circus, and got him a roll out sleeper at the front desk. Slept till 10 or 11, and he took us to the Wynn's buffet with a bunch of the people from the night before. Apparently someone had googled for the best buffet in Vegas and got that one at the result. It was $31 for the champagne buffet and god damn it was pretty nice indeed. Lots of different types of food of nice quality. Tried some shark.

Afterwards we took off and I came back for the closing session of the con. I missed a lot of things I would have liked to have seen, one in particular being the Meet the Fed panel :-/ This is partly due to waking up too late, and partly cause Zack goes more for the socializing aspect than the talks and I prefer hanging out with someone to being alone. I tend to feel very out of place if I haven't got someone as support, and large gatherings like DefCon highlight that.

Last year I shook Mitnick's hand, spoke to Dark Tangent after the closing ceremony, and met a guy from a Houston DC group. This year I saw Patrick Norton, and was later asked to take a picture of him and some kid. I had passed by him and he caught my eye, and I wasn't sure it was him and so blew it off, but when I was asked to take the photo, I said "Oh hey it really is Patrick!" and he said something about seeing me do a double take the previous time... he was the coolest guy on Screen Savers and yes it is geeky but he is sort of a techno hero of mine, so yeah.. sweet.

Zack and I went back to the room and he got ready to take off as he had to work the next day and wasn't going to get any sleep.
--

If I read through this and find details missing, they will be posted at a later time, but for this post this is all you get.

Hero's Narrative

2006-07-31T05:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, and I felt like updating.

There was some drama with friend Jeremy's landlord person and he and his girlfriend had to move, so on Thursday he asked me to help him cart some of his shit from his old place to the new one. I was woken for this task at a most unbecoming hour, but was paid off with breakfast from Le Madeleine, so was generally pleased with the arrangement. After moving all the heaviest shit into the moving van, and from there into the new place, I was rewarded with a computer desk that he no longer wanted. I think it goes rather well in my office room. Went to class, took my third Calc 2 test, did so-so. Previous test had been 80's, and the professor is generous, so I am hoping to get a B in there. Will find out later this week I suppose.

On Friday, myself and some others met at Karma to wish the bartender, Marty, farewell. There had been some ownership rearrangement, and he didn't care to work there any longer. He's a cool guy and he hooks up his friends nicely. From Karma we went to The Falls and hung around there for a while. People slowly took off, and I was left with Kitty Kat and Kim. They were pretty toasted, and while I was not strictly sober, I was far better off than they were. We were initially going to head to Kat's place and I was going to be taken home in the morning, but I have never been there, and every time I asked her directions she would reply with some half muttered nonsensical sentence. I realized I half knew the area we were driving through so just took us to Taco Cabana near my place for sober up food. They came back to my place but decided to take off after a bit.

Saturday was sort of slow; I only managed to go out with friend Jacob to La Cantera to check out Lacoste for a cologne the bathroom attendant had suggested the night before. I thought it was pretty nice so I picked some up. We went to Denny's for some food and talked about his lady friend situation for a while. Not a lot came of our talking, and were thus refreshed. A lady friend of my own happened to be in town. She had been at her friends to see that friends new place and a couple new items she had picked up. My friend ended up staying over, but we didn't do anything more than chat about her job and half watch some movies. I slept fairly poorly, so I ended up going back to bed when she left in the morning, and sleeping til rather late into the day.

I think I need to start trying to write my dreams down more often. I have been having more that I recall lately, at least directly after waking up, and they have all been rather strange. Last night it was something about being in a western type town, but my right hand had powers of being able to shoot out and grab stuff so that I could swing around and do crazy shit; I think the hand looked vaguely reptilian, and was somewhat larger than it should have been. Also I want to say I had some knife with maybe a life draining power that I was using against the towns bad guys. When I try to remember it slips further away now. I wouldn't say this exactly is normal for me, but things in maybe the same vein of odd have been happening in my dreams lately. I can't recall exactly what now, but I have the impression of those memories makes it feel true when I say that. In general, I am the hero and someone needs saving. I am imbued with otherworldly forces, or am otherwise enabled to do the rescuing, so I get to it. Make of that what you will.

More to follow.

So fucking money, baby!

2006-05-04T03:27:00.000-05:00

So let's see, last Friday there was a meeting with Dr. White for the Independent Studies class that went pretty well. I get the impression there will be a lot of easy A's handed out to those of us in it. After that I went out with Jacob and Andrew and hung out at their respective places til around 11 or so.

I got a call from Ben, and he once again thought he might be moving back to San Antonio due to some troubles with Melissa. I am not really sure what to think about that as I have heard the same story about once a month since he moved away. It'd be cool to have him back, but I also don't want him having to get divorced over stupid shit.

Anyway, on Saturday Jacob and Andrew and I headed to a computer fair at the Live Oak civic center. It was kinda meh, but the other two picked some stuff up that they were pleased with, which is cool for them. We ended up heading back to Jacob's pad and watching some movies for a while. Toyed at some movie with Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris. It was pretty bad so we just skipped ahead to the fight scene. Then we watched the Fifth Element. Ahh a classic :-)

I ended up getting home around 2 or so. Wasn't there very long before I got an unexpected call from this really cool chick I know. Some not cool stuff had apparently happened in her family, and I think she'd gone drinking with one of her friends to get her mind off of it. Anyway she needed a place to crash, and so I offered her the use of my couch.

Probably the single most interesting day I've had in the last 6 months. >:-)

Sunday was a little slow. Got me some sleep in. Went out with Jacob and his ex's bro Chaska to see Silent Hill. It wasn't bad per se, it just wasn't good. It killed some time, and wasn't painful to experience, so I guess it was worth the $5 I paid for it. Not something I would care to recommend to anyone.

Tuesday I went to the last two classes of this semester. First in Intro to Engineering some dude gave a presentation on Carbon Fuel Cells that last maybe 10 minutes that was hands down more educational than all of the "lectures" I attended by the Professor, and chances are all the ones I skipped too. The class was too early, and the prof was too clueless to waste my time on. I have to decide if I want to do enough of the busy work that the class comprised of, right at the last minute, to get a somewhat passable grade... not sure if it would be worth it. Next was Computer Organization 2, where I think I was almost nodding off as we were reviewing some things for the final. I think it will be sort of easy as it isn't comprehensive, and this last section isn't as brutal as some of them. I am shooting for a C in this class :-/

As I haven't stated it anywhere else.... my team got First Place in the Southwest Regional Collegiate Cyber Defense Competition, and we placed in Third Place at the first National CCDC. I really would have liked to take first at nationals, but I guess we need the first time through to really get the motivation to win, and have it mean something next time.

Oh yeah, a cool thing on Tuesday: Dr. White and Art Conklin from the CIAS took some of us out for dinner to celebrate the job we did. They say we did really good considering the lack of assistance we have gotten on campus for the whole thing. Considering they never expected us to win regionals I guess that's true from their point of view. Personally I know we could have done better. I want that trophy next year.

Till next time, I've got my finger on the button, and I'm watching ya squirm.

I got to tell you buddy...

2006-03-11T00:01:00.000-06:00

"this world has a way of beating down the virtuous, and transforming them into the things they despise."

Today outright sucked balls there at the end. I get home at 8:30 and the first person to call me is my grandmother... it's Spring Break. Fuck that. Then I go do a grocery run for my mom cause she is sick, and I am so fucked up from the shit earlier that I just have a little episode right there when talking to her about innocuous shit.

So naturaly she wants to help me and we talk for like 2+ hours about every little thing in my life over the last 6 months, and exactly why it sucks so hard right now.

Nothing was solved, but in the end it didn't really matter. Just getting it all out so I wasn't the only one carrying the weight of it was enough to help me feel better. I feel like I have been beaten right now though, so I am going to eat something comforting and drink all the beers in my fridge, until I either run out, or pass out.

sayonara bitches

Dark thoughts

2006-02-17T02:12:00.000-06:00

I see myself in a mirror and keep saying to just do it and get it over with. What is the point of tomorrow when there will be no difference from today, and today causes such pain?

I've been through so much already, and it's getting unbearable. I can't keep on like this alone. I just want someone to want me back. I want to mean anything. I want a reason to live.

It's not that complicated, why is it so hard?

The breaking of the Tet

2006-01-19T20:40:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I had a guy over at my place and he was talking; let's call him a friend of a friend. Well anyway, he said something about people he knew going to college and going their seperate ways in life, and I suddenly felt as though I'd been slapped in the face. I always knew that sort of thing happened with friends that end up going to school in different States, or even different cities. I never once considered it could happen to friends who went to the same school, yet that is what I find happening now. I'd been bothered because I didn't have the words for it, but damned if that doesn't seem about right. It saddens me that I know it never had to be the case.

My main problem with me is that I am so god damned hungry for anything in my personal life, that is seems to make me dangerous to my own best interests. And when things don't go my way, which of course they invariably don't do, I end up feeling hurt, and ignored, and generally unappreciated.

It's probably dumb, but shit that goes through my head during the day is something like "I have no joy, or happiness, merely duty and obligation." I actually waste time thinking trash like that; I go back in forth with fake conversations with people all day long, and pretty much always end up trying to explain to them why I'm such a fuckup. I wish it didn't seem so true though; one single source of real happiness would give me the strength to go on unmindful of all the shit there is. In that vein, the only contact with anyone I've been getting lately is people wanting me to do shit for them, and one particular ungrateful bitch, which may I point out is a fairly recent revelation, who says some "nice words" merely because she thinks I want to hear it, with absolutely no sincerity behind it, thinking I won't even fucking notice. She's lucky that our interests happen to coincide in this, that I find her useful. I am very fearful that the situation will end up degenerating into one of us simply refusing to work with the other though.

Those who refuse to acknowlege even the slightet bit of personal failure to deal with another person, are probably in the end the one contributing more to the shitty relations than the person who already admits they've been a bit of an ass. That doesn't have the force I'd like it to, but it will do for now.

No closing today.

No clever title

2006-01-04T06:19:00.000-06:00

And now a brand new start, with a fresh new year. 2005 did me no real good, and I'm not sad to see it go. Quality of life is aiming to improve some over this semester, and I have a personally entertaining event coming up in a couple months time. Oh yeah, and my birthday is in just under a month now.

Burn ban on new years eve blocked a bonfire, though earlier we shot many rounds off many guns, and enjoyed some fireworks later on. Was fairly uneventful actually, sort of disappointing. Followed Ben and Melissa up to College Station and stayed there for two nights just for shits and giggles. My brakes locked or did somehting weird and I ended up rear-ending Ben's car :-(, though luckily at a very low speed; his rear crumpled up impressively nonetheless.

I'm feeling better today, but the underlying issues haven't changed. Anyway, one day at a time.

Something's missing

2005-12-25T20:23:00.000-06:00

My grandfather was apparently a very smart man. He was respected among his peers. He fought for his country in time of need. He was strict, but I believe he did whatever he did for the benefit of those he cared for. He got married to a pretty woman who was his intellectual inferior, and I believe he suffered for it every day.

I never knew him.

My father was some random guy my mom met through a friend. Some pot, some booze, and a hot tub was all it took to bring me into this world.

I never knew him.

Noone was ever there to say "you've done well", "I'm proud of you", or "you fucked up but I love you anyway", or even to be an unforgivable hardass. An important thing if you've never had it.

I fear every time I think about it, that I will fuck up like these two did. Some day I want a wife, some day I want to have kids. Right now I can't even escape my apartment to find a friend to talk to. I barely need to worry about fucking up like them, I am fucking up in my own unique way. Maybe it's the only thing I'm actually good at.

I am so unhappy with life right now, and I have no idea how to change any of it.

I am surrounded by people actually living their lives, and all I can do is put on this show. I may be the oldest in any of the groups I hang out in, but they all have me beat cold. This thought only serves to bring me down more.

The one thing I have now, the one shining grace at this very moment, is that I've decided to start something that might help me feel better about myself. Or I may end up spending a lot of money to find out it wasn't what was wrong in the first place.

I guess I'll find out soon.

Could be worse

2005-12-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

I exited my CS final sure I would be repeating the class next semester, ended up getting a C. Left my Calc final feeling retarded for forgetting all the stuff from the beginning of the semester, got a B in that class, and I get the expected B in Microeconomics.

I have had this unresolved bunch of feelings hanging around the pit of my stomach, making me sick for a while now, and things aren't going very well with people I have called friends. I've had a lot of things I have wanted to say, but have held back because I felt maybe I was responsible for some of the things that happened, that I didn't have the right to go fuck up their little bit of happiness. And then they can't even have the common fucking decency to carry on with their happiness in a civil way, they gotta go and straight up ignore their friends of years. Fuck that shit. That is not the act of a friend.

In other news, I think I am coming to a decision about a personal matter that has been a demon of mine for some time. I think I am going to go have something done about it.

You were expecting more?

finishing out the day

2005-12-06T01:22:00.000-06:00

Life's a cycle, it's a circle
It's a journey and it's fickle.
Find a friend and find another.
Grab a handful, don't let go.

Make or break, I stand here thinking
pondering "What is the meaning?"
Break and make again in selfsame
fashion; it's a story old as time.

Man is lost inside his makings.
Each and every person breaking
down into a monster, taking
hold of what was never theirs.

Give and take, they say of all this
time we waste and all there ever was
to life is what we make of it.
Life is what you make of it.

Find a lover, learn to hate her
break her heart and find another.
Make ammends, don't dissapoint her
it all ends sooner or later.

Make your way through life's mean gauntlet,
that's the trick to life's real gambit, though
it fail or succed as you planned it,
simply live a simple life.

From mountain's top to field that's fallow
Find yourself, and life's path shall follow.
These words ring forth as though like thunder
Take wisdom from these pearls like plunder.

Life's a cycle, it's a circle
it's a game, and it's rules are fickle,
insubstantial and skewed against you.
Grab a handful, don't let go.

---

I suppose I had something to say beyond this random bit of prose, but I don't think I can recall it now, or maybe it's just not important anymore.

Um... last Wednesday was interesting. The short of it is I jumped off my balcony in a fit of ???, and (likely) bruised the bone in my heel. Walking is a bit odd.

The only test I have that concerns me is next Monday at 1:30. I did not study today.

Bothersome bit of information: people apparently actually read this. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, having put it in my profile and whatnot, but I kind of assumed noone actually gave a shit about anything I did or said. I think I felt more free to talk before I knew.

There is a "new" development, that really isn't new, nor is a development. It's merely a continuation of what was going on before, that never really stopped, only paused for a little while. Noone was surprised, and in fact even before it was public knowledge it was still public knowledge. Ain't no secrets here sugar.

Odd bit of conversation I had went something alone the lines of: "you know things that other people know but if you know what it is you know that they know then you would know too much."

Let's see... yeah, nothing is coming to mind. I am sure there is something I am forgetting....

I am wearing my (5-6 year old) leather jacket cause it is rather cold in my apartment. I had left my window open and went out for some food and (tasty, yum) coffee at B&N, and then was called away to hang out for a rather short period of time.

Came back and did this for a while, and am now done.

And twins...

2005-11-26T07:24:00.000-06:00

So lets see.... I guess this post really starts with Thankgiving.

I went to Luby's with my grandmother and mom on thursday. We got there around 11:20 I suppose, but the line was crazy long and it took about an hour to work through it and sit down to eat. That was pretty decent.

Got back to my moms place after dropping grandma off at hers and we went straight to the Pandzik house for... Thanksgiving. Mr Pandzik had made an awesome spread, and there was much food for all. George and John, and myself, and Mr. Pandzik and my mother. Mr. P regaled us with a number of stories from his younger days, and was generally really entertaining. I don't think I could ever manage to entertain like that. I wonder if that is his theatre training coming out?

Later on Beasley, John, George, and I went bowling and Lauren showed up towards the end. I scored terribly the first game, somewhere in the 80's, if even that. Second game was 123, and third was 121. I had to slow down to get anyhting accomplished in the later two games, but it seemed to help a lot. Felt pretty good about that.

Friday, that is to say today, started with me waking at 7:50 or so (supposed to be at 7), to be at Georges at 8, so we could drive a "long way" and get to a palce called the Bullet Hole by it;s opening time at 9. Well, I was running late, but apparently they didn't even open til 10 anyway, and it only took about 15 minutes to drive it, so we got there a half hour early and got to sit in the parking lot and shoot the shit with some other guy who came by to shoot that day. Was pretty cool, he told us about competitive shooting he did and was pretty nice.

I rented a Sig Sauer 9mm (229?) for $10 and ended up buying 100 rounds for it, which was like $22 or so. Also got 50 rounds for Georges Kel-Tec 32at, used something called 380 type rounds if that means anything to anyone.

I shot most of those rounds off myself, and felt as though I may have learned a little more about firing after that. Was decidedly cool either way.

I ended up coming back home and crashing out for a few hours since I got little sleep the night before.

At 6 people started showing up for the Ice Skating thing we all went to go do. Was moderate drama getting everyone organized and there but George, John, Beasley, myself and Lauren all went. It was originally Beasley's idea, and he was at home on the ice, but myself and Lauren were apparently the only two who had never stepped on the ice before. I managed to never fall down, though I had a couple close calls, but Lauren outdid everyone but Beasley, and then only cause she didn't know how to stop very well yet. I swear to god she just stepped out on the ice and learned it as soon as she was standing on it, as though she learned from the skates themselves what she needed to do. That was pretty impressive I thought, and she seemed to feel pretty good about it too. George was better on his feet than I was, and I felt I was a little better than John, who while having been on ice before, never had the chance to get used to it. Both Goerge and John fell several times, and George managed to bust his arm open a bit, though I was never around to see the falls.

We finished up there and decided to catch the 4th Harry Potter movie over at AMC. The best thing I can say about that movie, since it was the second time I saw it, was that at the very moment Voldemort was being brought back into a real body, the power just shut completely off due to a storm outside. There was a moment of me wondering WTF in complete blackness before I realize what has happened, and I just go "Oh.. my.. fucking .. god" out loud; I am pretty sure I was the first person in our theater to say anything in that moment of complete silence. I mean.. the whole damn movie had lead up to that confrontation, and at the very moment of it, the most inopportune time it could have, the whole theatre dies... the irony is amazing.

We all came back to my place for a bit, George went home, John and Lauren stepped outside, and I talked to Beasley about why he had been having an off night. Stepped outside, and felt there was something heavy hanging in the air between the other two, and asked if I should go back in. They said no, but shortly both took off. Lauren seemed really sad about something there at the end, and I am not sure what. Beasley and I went to IHOP and then came back to my place and talked about a lot of things.

In general everything was pretty good, ignoring wednesday night which I am writing off as a personal fuck up. Alcohol and I just don't have that good a relationship, and I need to not try and force it.

There are a few issues I need to work out with life right now. I guess I am going to have to go specifically aim at getting shot down a lot, just to build up some tolerance to it, cause this shit is really getting ridiculous.

There are a few other issues going on, and I am really confused about some of the things, and would like to find some understanding about it, but who knows if that is going to happen. Perhaps survival is all I can manage right now, and the luxury of understanding is far beyond my current domain. It's a sad thought, and I don't think it needs to be like that, but things are always complex in that regard.

That's it for now, ciao all.

It was a good day (wtf?)

2005-11-14T06:07:00.000-06:00

Don't let me spoil a good thing by suddenly reporting a decent day, but.. yeah.

Friend Ben and his fiancee Melissa were in town this weekend for an Auto Show thing at Fiesta Texas on Sunday. They stayed over on my "couch" (really just a bed with pillows on it for people to lounge upon). I woke up bright and early at 8 am, so that we might be there at 9. Melissa, myself, and John were Ben's guests to the thing, and we met a couple other guys there came seperately up there. We stayed until about 1 driving all kinds of cool things around. The tracks were kind of small, and the weather was a bit gross, but it was fun nonetheless.

Ben and Melissa and myself then went to Texas Land and Cattle for lunch. Hamburger thing, salad, a few jalapeno poppers, some gimpy onion ring wannabe things. We came back to my place and Ben and I played some games while Melissa took a nap. They packed up and headed out around 5:30 or so.

I got ready and headed off to my moms, so we could go pick my grandma up, to meet at a place called The Barn Door at 7pm for the Thanksgiving observance with my Uncle and Aunt and her respective parents, sister, and brother in law. Salad, pork chops, and double baked potato. I was sat next to my uncle, whom I practically never see. We got to talk a bit, which was cool. He seems alike a mostly okay type of guy, ignoring what he does for a living. There was some talking of shop in that regard, and I might have um.. dropped a certain three letter agency's initials a few times in the conversation... purely by chance of course. I also tried dropping a few hints on my grandma about a "new" car (new for me, and jeep at that, but whatever), but she is bound and determined to not notice. No matter.

After that my mom, grandma and I weere headed back to her place to drop her off, and was surprised to get a call from Lauren. Was thusly invited to hang with her and Beasley and, so she said, maybe John (later confirmed of course), once I got back to my partments. I ended up talking with my mom for a while about something from dinner, and then some other random stuff. She had done me some laundry and folded them and handed them off to me, so I have things to wear once more.

Met up with the trifecta of Beasley, John and Lauren after getting back and dropping laundry in my place. We went out so they could get some food, and ended up renting the Stewie Griffin movie. We watched it at my place on John's PS2 since I have no DVD player on the tv, and it was most excellent. After that Beasley and Lauren played a chess game.. it hurt me to watch.

It was obvious Luren at least knew how the pieces moved, so she isn't a totall newbie, but her play looked like she hasn't played more than 5 serious games in here life. She made all kinds of rookie mistakes that made me cringe when I saw them. I wanted to say "WTF are you doing?" and try to explain but she doesn't respond to criticism terribly well, and likely my attempt at help would be ignored anyway, for sheer reason of it being me.

It might just be arrogance, or she might just not respect me at all, or maybe just not anymore. Who knows. Either way I will face her down and crush her till she learns better. It took me around 10 games against John to start playing equally. I expect she'll learn what she needs to know in about the same. Winning might be another issue, since we did both improve during the play, but then again I am a bit rusty. That game against John the other day proves that... it was ugly as fuck. There was NO elegance to the damn thing, just blind people stabbing at each other in the dark. We did nothing but trade pieces mostly 1 for 1. In the end I had him pushed towards a corner, but position was bad, so I we both aimed at a 20 move rule stalemate just to finish things.

Oh yes, I now have book 7 (final book) of the Dark Tower Series. It will be most excellent, though I am not yet quite ready to begin it yet.

And now here we are at the present.

Three mice were crawling on a cutting board once day. One mouse was on the handle of a dangerously balanced butchers knife seesawing back and forth, and having a grand time at it... One mouse was blindly resting his neck in the direct path of the blade, never knowing though apparently enjoying himself very much. One was up above the scene looking down with callous disregard and seeing the whole thing with clarity... even knowing the likely results of each mouse's action, though seeming not to care. The mouse that would be cut deepest however was the one with most understanding of what was happening. Why?

Okay then, I'm tired now, and am done with the day's events.
Via con dios.

And I Already Forgot Her Name

2005-11-09T05:14:00.000-06:00

It's morning and I run through my usual routine of getting ready for class. It's tuesday so I head off to Calculus.

I ride through the tunnel and turn right and find the way blocked off with yellow tape and a sign saying danger of falling objects. Looking past there's nothing going on. "Nothing to do about it" says me, and I duck under the tape with my bike and mount up and ride on. Some dude on the building yells something down at me to the effect of "Can't you read? (Stay righ there ?) so I can report you".

I have seen over and over on campus these random sections taped off that people completely ignore and walk through anyway. The orange plastic mesh crap is always down somewhere and people are corssing through there. WHo the fuck would the dude report me to, and what would he say... "This son of a bitch recklessly endangered himself"?

Get to Calc on time, and sit down. Wait around 5 minutes.. teacher hasn't shown yet, I start reading to kill time. Prof gets there, but takes the next 10 minutes or so trying to get his laptop working with the projectors. Sometime during all this, while I'm reading, some girl comes and sits next to me. We end up making some small talk during class. She was asian, slim, and I got a sense of mental substance from her. Before class ended, she asked my name. After class she took off to her car right off though.

I ended up skipping the calc lab today, I was busy making lunch. It was rather unappealing.

Beasley came over around 4ish. Generals...

John came over, then Dylan, and we played another game of generals. I need to work on getting money faster somehow... sigh.

Lauren came by after work to spend time with her latin lover Esteban. Everyone left my apartment around 1.

I now have 1.75 litres of vodka chilling in my freezer.... Something fun should be done with it.

I passed on a bad habit today that has been a weakness of mine. There wasn't any real reason, I just didn't want to do it. The guys from that oganization that came to school last week said fun in the past twelve months instantly disqualifies you for a position comes to mind as a possible reason why. Not sure otherwise.

There has been a tightness in the part of my shoulders leading up to my neck lately, probably induced by the way I sit when I am on the computer... I wish I had someone who could massage that away.

I ought to work on the CSA newletter tomorrow, to let everyone know about the next meeting and the Geeks Night Out thing.

Note to self: it's hurtful and annoying, but brush it off. Maintain the illusion at least. It's the only thing left to you.

That's all for today.

Like a hammer to the balls

2005-11-07T01:04:00.000-06:00

Life is very complex sometimes.

"Once upon a time the saddest princess in all the land came to a bridge and found a troll. Not knowing what to make of the troll she tried to befriend it, only to later realize it was a mistake..."

I let someone down in a way that I can't even describe, and now there is no going back. I failed them as a human, and I failed as a man, though I am not sure which came first. I feel like slime.

Fuck.

Hmm...

2005-10-21T01:30:00.000-05:00

Okay let's do this thing...